im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Randomize
