You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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