He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
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