Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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