i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
