Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
