How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
He has the fingertips of a God
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