Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
