She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
