Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
