Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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