Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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