I intend to get homeless drunk
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
