Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
