The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
