My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
