Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
