It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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