if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize