Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
