don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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