These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
