I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
True strength comes from lack of pants
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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