remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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