Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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