I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
