be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
