A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
