Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
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