God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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