I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
