Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
