I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
