I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
