just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
