Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
My ATM looks so different sober.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
