i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My penis needs a shock collar
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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