At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Can I color on your dick again?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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