last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
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