I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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