Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
