There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
