yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
