Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
