so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
