My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
