Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Never joke about your clitoris.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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