ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
