I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
