i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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