I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
