I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
