omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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