If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
