you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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