shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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