Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
