she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
