i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
