this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
