I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
you made out with another girl for some wings
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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